If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
