My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
