After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
