I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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