Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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