The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
