What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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