If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
