Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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