im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
