my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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