Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
