he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
