I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
