my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
