were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
