he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
