She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
