The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
