Sponge bath it is.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
