Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.