Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.