There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
