I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
