I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
