why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
