Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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