i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
