Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
