At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
