He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
