while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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