I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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