her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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