he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
