I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
