Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
this hospital has no fireball
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
