Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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