my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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