I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The Olympian is in my bed
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
