Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
