I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
