We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
