Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
