someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
