Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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