I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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