Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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