My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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