The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
