did you get engaged???
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
