I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
