Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
