the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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