I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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