Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
