My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
