When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
